My best friend, cancer and my thoughts.

I don't know if it's my place to be writing this, since I'm not the one who's sick and I hope that everyone understands that I'm not writing this to gain any form of attention from her situation what so ever, I'm simply trying to vent. To let out some of the steam that's building up in my head, and to put my worst fears at the moment into words in the hope that by doing so, it'll be easier to handle. If you read this, Camilla, and there's something I get wrong, then please correct me. If you want me to take it down, I will.

Camilla and I went to school together for a year in 2010/2011. When we started our second year of common studies, she started a chef's line at another school so I obviously didn't see her that much. You'd think that in that situation, you would sort of drift apart and eventually stop speaking to each other. Well, I guess we sort of did for a while. We had contact on a regular basis, but more once a month that every day like we used to. Still, Camilla remained one of my best friends, one of the ones that I really felt like I could tell anything to. That's the communication we've had for the past three years. Some periods we've talked more than others, but no matter how long it was since we talked, we could always message each other if there was something we needed, or just wanted, to talk about, and the other one would be there.

When I decided to move to England, I'll admit that I half expected to lose contact with most, if not all, of my old friends and I am sorry to say that I though Camilla might be one of the ones that I would lose contact with, since we hadn't seen each other that much lately and we were having one of those periods where we didn't talk as much. However, when I moved, I realised that when everyone else was starting to grow tired of me only talking about England and my friends and activities over here, she was always ready to listen. We started skyping. Usually once a week, once every two weeks at the least and I am so grateful for those conversations. Camilla is one of those that when you're talking about issues you're having with people she doesn't even know, she will still listen and then try to contribute with her thoughts and opinions instead of saying things like "oh, that sucks" and "I don't know, really" and I love her so increadibly much for that.

When I was going back for christmas, I knew that she had been to see a gynecologist. She then messaged me while I was in Reading visiting Sharleen, saying that she had got the results back from the gynecologist, and they had informed her that she had cancer. a 9*8cm (roughly 3*3inches) tumor was blocking the left side of her uterus from the back. She was scheduled for surgery in Trondheim about 10 days later, as I recall it. The operation went well, they removed the tumor and a whole lot of other stuff that I can't remember what was at the moment and sent it for testing to see if it was benign or malignant. The test results came back and the tumor was malignant. Cancerous. Dangerous. Scary. Chemo therapy.

On monday this week she had a CT-scan. The gynecologist had found a new mass at 5*6 cm (roughly 2*2 inches) that he/she didn't know what was. It could be blood or other fluid from the operation or it could be another tumor, which would mean that the chemo wasn't working properly. The CT-scan showed that there were cancerous cells, but she was reassured that the chemo should kick it's ass.

On tuesday, she had her third round of chemo therapy and was half way through that hell (yay!). I talked to her for a while as she was getting the chemo therapy and she seemed to be in good spirit, since the chemo should remove the new cancer cells as well as the old ones.

However, today I got a message from her saying that Trondheim had called, saying they wanted her back up there as quickly as possible to do more tests because they were quite alarmed that there were new findings of cancerous cells. I can not begin to describe how scared that made me. Obviously, when talking about cancer, it can go either way, you either beat it or you don't. Now, Camilla is one of the strongest people I know and I know that she can handle just about anything, but even the strongest person in the world has their limit and that's what scares me. What if this is her limit? What are they going to find on the new scans and tests? Is my best friend going to be here next year? I don't know and not knowing scares the shit out of me.

I know that if I had chosen to go to uni in Norway, I wouldn't feel any better than I do now. I still wouldn't have been able to do anything for her, but at least I could be there, physically, once in a while, to hold her hand and talk and let her know that I was really there. Because I don't feel like I am. I mean, we talk almost every day and I try to talk to her about it, ask her how she's doing and what she's thinking to let her know that she can talk to me if she wants to and if she needs to. Also, she has said on her own blog that she want's people to call it what it is. Cancer. She want's people not to beat around the bush about it, because that won't make it any better. She has cancer and that's just how it is. So I try to do that when we talk about it. I try to take everything she has told me about it into concideration every time we talk about it to let her know that I care. That I remember what she told me last week and that I listen. I don't just hear, I listen. Because I think I would appretiate that if I was in her situation, but then again I don't know because I've never had cancer. But as I said, I'm trying as best as I can to show her that I'm here for her in every way and still I feel like I'm not.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm dead scared that she won't make it. I know I should be thinking positively and I shouldn't make up this scenario in my head where I need to buy plane tickets in all haste to go home and say goodbye to one of my bestest best friends in the whole wide world, but when someone who means that much to you has to face something as fucking awful as cancer at 19, you can't help it! I know I probably over react, that she probably will be fine. Still, I can't keep my head from spinning and I can't keep from crying when I think about it.

What makes this all so hard, for me that is, is that I'm so bloody far away. Every time she's told me that she has bad news, this tiny little voice has crept up in the back of my head saying "why the fuck did you move so far away?" and that voice keeps getting stronger. Don't get me wrong, I love that I took the step of moving to England all by my self and I would probably do it again, given the option, but as the situation is, I regret it just a tiny bit. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I know there's nothing I could have done anyway, but being so far away from it all certainly doesn't help.

There is no limit to what I would give for her to be healthy as a horse right this instant. I would sell my sole to the devil and all his demons for her to get well. I love this girl so unbelievably much because we have this friendship where no matter how long it's been since we last talked, we both know that nothing is wrong and that we can pick up where we left off without any awkwardness what so ever and I've never had that before.

I love you to the moon and back, babe. When I come home, we'll put sticker stars on our faces again and we'll have a laugh and take selfies like we used to.

If there is a God, then can you please do something? If you exist and you did put us all here, can you please let Camilla stay until we're old and grey and have 15 grandkids each and we're sitting in a nursing home comparing battle wounds? Can you please let this magnificent ray of sun shine stay on this earth to live a full life? Can you please make sure that she will be able to have children when this nightmare is over? Can you please just make my best friend well? I need her, don't take her away from me.